Ocarina of Time Abridged
by naurteeoxssaskkuereoeluvver
Summary: Boredness, satire. Woo. Meant to be funny. Kinda crack fic. Well, enjoy.


I do it for the lolz

I don't own Zelda. Not meant to offend, just boredness.

* * *

**The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Abridged version.**

_**KID**_

_BEGINNING_

Start in tree house, Link has cracked up dream. Early foreshadowing for no apparent reason. Link only Kokiri without fairy, not good enough apparently. Long ass beginning cut scene ensues, one you can't skip or make faster, and have to go through torturously every time game starts. Link gets annoying fairy.

Navi tells Link to see tree. Jerk Mido stands in front of tree, Link not good enough unless has _sword_ and _shield_. Wasting time running around, Link finds _KOKIRI SWORD_ hidden in a random hole with boulders. No other Kokiri smart enough to find.

Link runs around doing stupid things to make forty Ruplees and obtains _shield_. Long talk to Jerk, then allowed to tree. Tree talks too much. Inside, easy short temple. Easy boss fight happens that doesn't get any harder even in _Master Quest_. GOHMA dies. Gets the _KOKIRI EMERALD_.

Link leaves dungeon, then has to hear long story that sounds like the same story from every other _Zelda_ game proceeding and successing this one. Leaving, Link meets Saria, gets pink ocarina.

Link meets owl, who never shuts up and continues to talk, even though you can scroll through text. Must cross HYRULE FIELD before night, which is damn near impossible. Depending on the player's time, they either get inside with little time to spare, or have to wait outside for five minutes with STALL CHILDREN.

Link goes to castle. Has to sneak past guards. It's apparently very easy to get past these guards, so why are they here? Do job badly. Link gets to Zelda; she doesn't seem scared that some random person made it past the guards to her. Writer is confused with Nintendo's logic, but goes with it. Listens to Zelda spew the same stuff you listened to ten minutes before from tree.

Link goes to leave, meets the man-woman Impa. Man-woman teaches Link ZELDA'S LULLABY, she's apparently not worried that Link made it past the guards to Zelda. Writer still confused. Must go to the GORONS.

_MIDDLE_

Link goes see Gorons. Won't let him in for some reason. Link gets SARIA'S SONG and is allowed to have BRACELET. Link throws bomb and opens DODONGO'S CAVERN.

Strange yet easy level is completed. Sign says that the Dodongo must see RED. Somehow makes correlation with BOMBS. Throws bombs in either eye, and it opens. KING DODONGO appears. Doesn't have same weakness as other Dodongos. Player some how decides to throw bombs in Dodongo's mouth. Bombs explode inside boss, but innards aren't blown everywhere. Players and writer are all confused with logic. Easy boss battle ends, get GORONS RUBY.

Link runs from crazy rapist gorons who chase him.

NAVI says to go to the ZORAS who are apparently friendly in this game, and don't wanna blow you up with the magic fire they apparently had control over.

_END_

Goes to ZORA'S CAVERN. Fat Zora king too fat, refuses to move unless RUTO is found. Link somehow has idea to go to LAKE HYLIA. Finds MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE that wasn't written by Ruto, is only a ploy, but Link goes with it. Tricks fat king to move. Player spends an agonizing minute watching it move. Falls asleep.

When moved, Link goes out to see JABU-JABU, a giant whale with no cannibalistic tendencies. Link and player decide FISH. One small fish makes giant whale go crazy. Nothing could go- Link was eaten.

Inside whale, Link isn't disturbed. Goes forth and finds Ruto who has the ZORAS SAPPHIRE. Won't give it up because princess is a spoiled brat. Ruto gets captured which no one saw coming. Link goes and fights BARINADE, moderately hard boss battle commences. Barinade explodes green blood everywhere. Ruto mad at Link for some reason.

Ruto gets over anger, and wants to marry Link. Players and fan fiction writers take this to a new extreme, ignoring the fact of different races. Millions of RUTO X LINK fics ensue to follow. Link is too stupid to understand anything, so he doesn't get it.

Link returns to HYRULE CASTLE only to see Zelda and Impa run through. Foreshadowing comes true. Long scene that was already seen happens, and GANONDORF is too stupid to see Zelda throw the all-important OCARINA OF TIME into the water. Zelda somehow has amazing aim, even on a horse with Impa behind her. Ganondorf leaves after Zelda, inspiring more than enough ZELDA X GANONDORF fics, because Ganondorf is obsessed with Zelda.

Link retrieves Ocarina of Time, goes to TEMPLE OF TIME. Stands before STONE TABLET and magically sees Zelda. Player confused and amazed that Zelda doesn't fall through the SEAMS. Link magically learns THE SONG OF TIME. Doors open. Find MASTER SWORD. Takes Master Sword, and Link fails. Ganondorf comes to the Temple of Time, and takes the TRIFORCE that doesn't really exist.

_**ADULT**_

_BEGINNING_

Link wakes up in SACRED REALM, greeted by old fart RAURU the SAGE OF LIGHT. SEVEN YEARS have passed; Link still wears same clothing and is OLDER. Somehow, clothing grows with him, and he acquires TIGHTS. Players everywhere are confused and disturbed with the possibilities, tries to get them out of mind. Also, even in sleep Link appears to get fashion sense, and gets his ears pierced and has EARRINGS.

Rauru tells Link what happened, some how knowing in spite of being in the Sacred Realm. Link must find the FIVE SAGES in the temples around HYRULE. Link does not question destiny, he doesn't question anything. Link is apparently a mute, and everyone can understand him with vague hand motions. Link gets the LIGHT MEDILLION.

Link returns to the Temple of Time, and meets SHEIK. Sheik doesn't seem strange at all, somehow knows Link. Players are suspicious of Nintendo's intentions. This meeting inspires a flood of LINK X SHEIK fan fiction to flood the INTERNET. Sheik seems to know everything, tells Link to go to KAKARIKO VILLAGE and the GRAVEYARD. Link obeys like a good dog.

Link goes and does some stupid race to acquire the HOOKSHOT. Hookshot is extremely too short, makes writer wish for _Majora's Mask_ hookshot. Writer cries. Armed with hookshot, Link goes to the KOKIRI FOREST.

Forest overrun with enemies. Link goes to LOST WOODS to FOREST TEMPLE. Meets Sheik again. Link doesn't question Sheik's stalker abilities; he is apparently used to them. Learns MINUET OF THE FOREST.

With no weapons besides a SWORD, SHIELD, HOOKSHOT, DEKU NUTS, THE OCARINA OF TIME, BOMBS, and DEKU STICKS, Link braves the crazy easy temple and gets the FAIRY BOW. People around the world take the meaning of fairy out of context, assume Link is gay. Writer questions Nintendo once more.

Boss battle with PHANTOM GANON happens. Moderately hard battle and a lot of ping pong. Nintendo seems to appreciate _PING PONG_ from the_ ATARI 2600_. Phantom Ganon defeated, falls apart and was empty inside, like most things in this game.

Link is transported to the SACRED REALM once more, meets SARIA the SAGE OF THE FOREST. Players didn't see this coming, everyone is shocked. Receives FOREST MEDALLION.

Outside, Link meets the DEKU TREE SEED. Seed tells Link stories, tells him that Link is NOT a KOKIRI but a HYRULIAN. Once again, players and the writer are shocked. No wonder Link got old. Link is told to go to the FIRE TEMPLE up on DEATH MOUNTAIN. Being experienced players and having met many DEATH MOUNTAINS, players accept the challenge, despite the scary name.

Link goes to the GORON VILLAGE only to find one small goron. The goron is DARUNIA'S SON and has stolen Link's name. Also, players are left to wonder how Darunia reproduced to have a son, since there are NO FEMALE GORONS. Players are still left to ponder this eleven years later.

LINK{Not the player} tells Link that the gorons were taken by VOLVAGA, and were to be eaten. Many VORE things inspired after this between VOLVAGIA, LINK, and the GORONS. Writer slightly disturbed. Link goes to DEATH MOUNTAIN CRATER and meets Sheik again. Link is still undisturbed by Sheik's stalkerish, obsessed ways and learns the BOLERO OF FIRE.

Link enters the FIRE TEMPLE and is placed in the largest temple in the game. Players get frustrated at the five-story temple, controllers are thrown and TVs are broken everywhere. Players that managed to survive the temple acquired the MEGATON HAMMER. Hammer is apparently heavy, needs to be held with two hands, and is really slow. Writer slightly disappointed.

Completing the large temple, Link comes to Volvagia. Another moderately hard boss battle happens, and players learn all you need to fight a dragon is a huge, heavy hammer. The Megaton hammer is never used in the game again after this point. Going into the sacred, holy light that is always there after boss battles, Link is back in the Sacred Realm. Darunia is the SAGE OF FIRE. Players and writer are shocked. The surprises never end. Link gets the FIRE MEDALLION and adds Darunia's power to his, but Link never gets any stronger. Link is told to go to the WATER TEMPLE.

_MIDDLE_

Link goes to ZORA'S DOMAIN, to learn it is frozen. Fat king is somehow encased in RED ICE. Link leaves him, goes to ICE CAVERN. Jabu-Jabu is surprisingly absent; players are left to wonder what happened to a multi-ton whale.

Inside the Ice Cavern, Link gets the IRON BOOTS, which seem useless are and kind of are. Sheik appears, once more showing his ninja ways; everyone seems to ignore Sheik's womanly sounding VOICE. Sheik teaches Link the SERENADE OF WATER, after hearing Sheik's magical poetry. Players everywhere are moved by the enlightening words that come for no reason. Link is also told that the Zoras are frozen under the ice in the Ice Cavern, and Sheik could only save Ruto. Players never see frozen Zoras, and are able to go through frozen water. Once more, writer questions Nintendo's logic. With BLUE FIRE, Link lets out the fat king, gets ZORA TUNIC.

Link heads to the WATER TEMPLE. Extremely frustrating temple remaining players are tortured with. More controllers are thrown and broken. TVs everywhere fear for their lives. Nintendo 64s learn they don't have wings. Remaining players are left to mess with water levels only to piss them off. Players and writers are pissed at Nintendo; hate mails ensue to flood NINTENDO OF AMERICA.

In temple, Link must fight SHADOW LINK. This inspires millions of LINK X DARK LINK fan fictions to flood the net, one that this writer is guilty of. Moderately hard boss battle, and when killed, Dark Link falls into toe deep water. Players are left to wonder. Link gets the LONG SHOT, writer rejoices with glee at the longer hookshot.

At the end, Link must fight MORPHA. Easy boss battle happens, and this inspires millions of TENTACLE RAPE fictions between LINK X MORPHA. Writer slightly disturbed and intrigued. Many players are disturbed if they fall into the "water". Many think that they just had SEX with Morpha.

Link is once more brought to the Sacred Realm; Ruto is the SAGE OF WATER. Going on about things neither the player or the writer cares about, Link receives the WATER MEDALLION. This was another shock to the general populous. Link is told he must go to the SHADOW TEMPLE.

Link goes to Kakariko Village, to find it magically on FIRE. Sheik is ignoring the emergency, starting at a WELL. Shadow comes out and stuff happens. Link goes to COMFORT Sheik, and is taught the NOCTURNE OF SHADOW. That scene only thus inspires MORE LINK X SHEIK fan fiction to drown the nation, making the writer question Nintendo's planning. Link must go in the WELL, but it is blocked off as an ADULT. Player some how gets idea to return to the Temple of Time. First goes to windmill to learn THE SONG OF STORMS.

In the Temple of Time, Sheik appears again. His stalker tendencies are astounding, but Link still doesn't seem to notice or care. Link learns the PRELUDE OF LIGHT. Going to the PEDASTOOL OF TIME, Link somehow knows to put the Master Sword back. By some miracle of science and without a time machine, Link goes BACK IN TIME to a kid. Time travel was apparently possible in medieval times with a sword.

Going to the windmill, Link uses Song of Storms, drains water. Going into the well, players are now BENEATH THE WELL. Strangely, scary flat skeletons litter the ground. Finding a MUTILATED ZOMBIE called a DEAD HAND, Link fights. Easy boss battle. Gets LENS OF TRUTH.

Link goes back to being an adult enters SHADOW TEMPLE. In the temple, Link learns that the Hyrule royal family is a bunch of murderers, and they place their dead in the temple. Link gets the HOVER BOOTS that have no traction. Players become frustrated with lack of traction, but forgive it since the temple is easer than the WATER TEMPLE.

The boss is BONGO BONGO. The battle is apparently on a giant drum and over acid. The acid can't eat the drum, only Link if he falls off. Players suddenly learn the trick to acid; stay on a drum, and you'll be safe from acid in real life.

Moderately easy boss battle happens. Makes players wonder if there are any hard boss battles in this game, writer is sad to say there aren't. To everyone's surprise, Impa is the SAGE OF SHADOW. Another twist that left the nation in shock. If Impa was here, who was protecting Zelda? The players are left to ponder this, and Link gets the SHADOW MEDALLION. He never bothers to see if Zelda is okay, apparently over her at this time. He is told to go to the SPIRIT TEMPLE in the guard of the GERUDO PIRATES.

_END_

Coming to GERUDO VALLEY, Link learns that the GERUDOS are only FEMALE. This leaves the writer to ponder how more Gerudos are made, and inspiring millions of fan fiction and DOUJINSHIS with LINK X THE GEURDO PIRATES. Writer is disturbed by this. Players that manage to sneak past the Gerudos have to fight easy boss battles with other Gerudos while releasing PERVERTED OLD MEN LOCKED IN CAGES. Link feels no remorse for letting the perverts out, as long as they FIX THE BRIDGE. When all are free, Link is given a pass. Apparently, all it takes to make these women go nuts is a male who can sneak past them and doesn't wear PANTS.

Link can get ICE ARROWS, but they are completely USELESS. Writer is angry at Nintendo for including them and wasting player's lives. Link travels through the HAUNTED WASTELAND, players press forward despite scary name. Reaching the SPIRIT TEMPLE, Sheik appears once more. He must have Link-dar, since his stalkerish tendencies surpass that of Edward's from the horrible book, _Twilight_. Link STILL doesn't seem to mind the stalking; he apparently LIKES SOMEONE AFTER HIS ASS. These stalkerish tendencies make the fan girls orgasm, creating even MORE LINK X SHEIK fan fiction. Sheik teaches Link the REQUIEM OF SPIRIT.

Upon entering the temple, Link learns he's too big, goes back in time. As a kid, he meets NABOORU, a RENEGADE GERUDO PIRATE that hates Ganondorf. She wants the SLIVER GAUNTLETS, and makes Link get them. Link's a good dog. This seems to drive people ragged, spurring LINK X NABOORU fan fiction to drown us. Writers seem to over look the obvious AGE DIFFERENCE. Link retrieves the gauntlets, Nabooru gets TAKEN BY OLD WITCHES that are just jealous they aren't that sexy and don't have that pointy of a nose.

Link leaves Nabooru and goes back to an adult. He returns to the Spirit Temple, and gets the MIRROR SHIELD. Still players must collect SMALL KEYS. Apparently, Link breaks every small key he gets on every lock. Players would think that Link would be smart enough and after four temples, he wouldn't break keys. This logic is apparently passed on Link, who continues to break them, making players have to find them. An easy temple is gone through, until you meet an odd IRON KNUCKLE. Hard boss battle. Link breaks armor somehow, appears to be Nabroou. Witches take her again.

Link goes to fight KOUME AND KOTAKE. Easy boss battle of reflecting commences. Koume and Kotake combine to make TWINROVA. Boss is oddly hot; Link is obviously affected, judging by his shock. Another easy boss fight. Link is transported to the Sacred realm, and learns that Nabooru is the SAGE OF SPIRIT. Everyone everywhere is shocked Nintendo did great. She tells Link that she was planning to do stuff with him, despite the age difference. Even after seven years, Nabooru doesn't seem to AGE. This inspires MORE wonderful fan fiction of LINK X NABOORU, but this time, it's adult Link. Nabooru gives Link the SPIRIT MEDALLION, and Link still isn't any stronger.

Going to the Temple of Time, Link finds Sheik. Sheik says stuff, and then turns into PRINCESS ZELDA. Players, the writer, everyone, yaoi fiction writers have a heart attack. No one saw that coming. Zelda gives Link the LIGHT ARROWS. Zelda is stupid, though. Ganondorf finds her, and puts her in a crystal. She rises, and Link looks up her skirt, enjoying the view until she disappears. Link goes to GANON'S CASTLE to rescue Zelda, cliché Mario storyline ensues.

The SIX SAGES make a RAINBOW BRIDGE to Ganon's castle, all the more making the writer question, while it is taken more out of context by general populous. Going through billions of rooms and fighting millions of things, Link gets the GOLDEN GAUNTLETS. Despite logic, he is able to pick up MASSIVE PILLARS OF ROCK, even though they weigh SEVERAL TONS. Writer questions Nintendo, but knows better. Players learn if you get golden gauntlets, you can lift anything with them, even in real life. These gauntlets serve no real purpose, and the gold looks FAKE.

Armed with SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH, Link goes to fight Ganondorf. Player learns that Link has the TRIFORCE OF COURAGE. Player and writer are shocked. Moderately hard boss battle ensues. More ping pong with Ganondorf, because the creators didn't know what else to do. Link defeats Ganondorf, only to learn that the castle will COLLAPSE ON THEM. Leaving Ganondorf's body, not checking to see if he was dead, Link and Zelda RUN. This battle creates the bases of LINK X GANONDORF fan fiction, because people are messed up.

Running down the castle, Link fights while Zelda stands being USELESS. The only thing she does is SCREAM when Link gets hit. This causes players to hate Zelda, and contemplate the reason for having this part. Castle collapses, all seeming over. Ganondorf appears, uses TRIFORCE OF POWER to turn into GANON. LIGHTENING booms in distance, Link loses Master Sword. Fighting with the Megaton Hammer and ROLLING BETWEEN GANON'S LEGS, Link knocks him out to get the Master Sword. Moderately hard boss battle fight. Once dead, the ONLY BLOOD IN THE GAME APPEARS, leaving the players satisfied that they saved Hyrule once again from the likes of evil.

Ganondorf is SEALED in the Sacred Realm, but for that to happen; Link must return the Master Sword. Giving Zelda back the Ocarina of Time, she sends Link BACK IN TIME to a kid. Once more, this shows players and the writer that time travel was possible with a MAGICAL INSTRUMENT, not with science. This scene leaves the players sad, causing fan boys and fan girls to go and submerge the internet with LINK X ZELDA fan fiction. Link places the Master Sword back and LOOSES NAVI. Players rejoice at the loss of the annoying fairy and enjoy the long CREDIT ROLL. One that puts players to sleep, but gives them that oh so good feeling of accomplishment. Not that anyone cared what the other characters did after the game ended.

_**THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME - END.**_

_**

* * *

End. xD; May do more. **_


End file.
